Movie moods !

What more to say !

Saudade is a fucked up thing !!!

Moved to a country that actually feels like home, all is good, or almost all things, except...maybe...that I miss you.

I didn't expect this to be so hard, then again, you always were more than just my best friend.

Updates

So, might get a dream job, painted a wall with an international street artist, met another great artist, and got invited to a project related to art in another country, will do a gig on my bday and friends are awesome.

Life is doing well, just until I get to that part that still misses , I want to share all of this and I can't, for now. So these last days I tend to get drunk and a pain in the ass, and I write things that will probably only be posted where when I die, I guess life is a huge weird lovely mess.

Everything is great again, until it isn't.

Everything is great, you got your pc and gaming/streaming rig all set up, you play, you make music, you play your drums and your bass, you go out with friends and party, everything is great, but it isn't.

When everything stops you just feel empty, worthless, nothing done has had value, purpose or been of help, it feels like you are lost inside yourself, like there is a weight on you, in your core and for hours or days it just haunts you, nowadays to the point of thinking on some solutions to end it. And you dream, you dream of your death, of an empty planet with only you in it, of screaming and raging in to the empty.

And then everything is great again, until it isn't.

quick blurp

Decided to do a quick update:

Trying to get better life quality, went from depressive to  mildly depressive but highly apathetic (with some exceptions towards some friends), I'm trying to keep my chin up, although everyday is yet a struggle of its own.

Hopefully Ill change work and that gets me on a better track, also, got invited to do some music for an upcoming videogame, I guess I'll take the challenge.

Hope everyone is ok, whoever you people are !

FML

How weird is it that some days ago I was saying that not writing around here was a good sign, and yet here I am.

Probably what brings me here, is me trying to connect with people and not being able to or doing so and afterwards feeling like life has gone downhill.
Overthinking was in mind, but in a way that seems like rubbish, one cannot overthink on what he understands, but then if such is the case, what am I not understanding on the why of this feeling?!?

The more I am with people and have a laugh the bigger is the fall, if Im alone it seems like its the same, its like an emotional roller coaster , and I have never been too keen on them.

I wonder if this will ever stop !

Do it your way

Where to start...
For all of those following this blog, you know that it isn't a very happy one, it mainly represents depression, angst and an enormous sense of not belonging.

And today this is where we are going, not belonging, not wanting to be, or wanting to be on a different time/space,not having a sense of purpose.
Some os uf just have a hard time handling this, mostly because society muffles our mind quite early, they say do this, be that, but deep down there is this thing that quite never goes away, and, with time it will clash with what has been told and his around you, thus creating the lack of purpose, at least this is how I perceive it.

Its hard specially when you overthink on everything, you end up just looking at something for huge amounts of time and just wondering what the fuck are you doing here, everything you do seems meaningless, and I think the answer to this is to create things, whatever those things are.
There was this Portuguese philosopher that said that Man's purpose was to create, not to work, but to create, I would even go further on saying that it is when Man creates that he is himself, and not here, but in another plane, in its true space, with full purpose, making something with meaning, finding itself on a place society says its not him and is of little value.

I think I stopped writing here because in a way I started creating more, I found a sense of purpose helping my friends on anyway I can, there is still depression and angst but it gets less of me, I guess I also started accepting mankind for what it is, and that makes me want to be immortalized in my creations and in my friends, yes, the old Demigod notion of me is in fact my goal, I must assume it fully, the divine part of me is the fact of being more human than humans are nowadays. 

So if you are reading this (probably the most uplifting post on this blog ever), go make something that makes you feel you, and yes you still need to work, and work, don't kill yourself in it, use it to fuel your creativity, touch those that are around you, help them being more today than they were yesterday, make yourself the goal for which you aim.

Life may suck due to today's standards , but make it suck it your way.

fucking depressing mood.

Sometimes it just sneaks up on me, probably whenever I am at my best.

Maybe it just wants to drag me down, for the fun of it or because being down is where I should be, my natural state. There is a great weight on my shoulders, it makes me feel it, I have done nothing, I have nothing, no business in this world, it whispers in my ear.
I get lost on these thoughts, of being nothing, of no use, no purpose, and so I put on some music and I think on leaving, leaving to somewhere it doesn't exist, still I would like to leave.

You can stop whispering now, you are already in me, you are me and I can't escape you.

days and days

Days are at work, sometimes with friends, some old, but mainly some new, maybe in the midsts of all this overwhelming feeling of loneliness I might say I have been lucky to have met some nice, good people and showing them around, that does take my mind of myself  for a while.

Yet it seems that is has become exponentially harder to feel, I mean truly feel, mainly to feel appreciated, not by words but by deeds, actions.

I came to wonder on how have I left my mark in this world, is it enough, what more can I do, how will i be remembered?

People will have so much difficulty understanding this, the word and the deed, not thinking on the good, but living in the negative to create more, one might say happiness leaves a person dull, but it does give them so much more of a light hearted posture, but then again, we all have our purpose on this world and mine is set to be on the darker side I suppose.


The end will tell how I fared.

One good day, two bad days

Great day, meeting with my norwegian bro and friends, I must say I have great friends, still after a couple of drinks and giggles, I hit home.

There is this huge feeling when I lay down in top of the bed, as if my body got lighter , mainly because my soul got heavier and emptier , I feel very conflicted with my own existence every time I look inside myself after these brief moments.
The loneliness that I feel is overwhelming to say the least
Not sure of who I am in this world.

Ramblings !

Um dia de alegria são dois ou três de tristeza profunda, alienação, sentimento de desnorte, falta de utilidade.
Corre talvez nestas veias algo de estranho que não consigo precisar com exactidão o que seja que me mete neste estado, sinto-me como num filme e começo a não entender se isto é a realidade ou a realidade é quando estou alegre. As coisas que me distraiam são agora um aborrecimento, fica mais difícil de esconder os meus olhos dos poucos que realmente olham para eles.
Sou um ser fragmentado, penso que me quero perder em mim mesmo e na solidão que sinto dentro de mim num momento e no outro anseio por uma lufada de ar fresco e companhia.

Ser isto que sou, seja eu o que seja, torna-se um peso demasiado grande para algo tão pequeno quanto a minha humanidade o é.

Heavy

I guess, it's depression time again, things start to get heavier in my mind. There is huge sense of lack of purpose, nothing I do seems to have meaning, so I just sit and listen to music, which might not help, then again, it tends to take me to this world so far away from my body that numbs my persona.

Sorry for not writing nothing decent, but I'm trying to keep away form whiskey when I get like this.

"A man with no purpose
A sea with no tides
burning roots beneath frozen moons
embracing the cold
embracing the world"
- Siivet

P.S. Enjoy the music

Nowadays

Its kind of funny, that , sometimes I need to say I read something and just reposted it , because if I said I wrote it people wouldn't believe it.

In a way I guess the first part of my plan worked, barely no one knows me, actually sees my skills or knows what I am able to do, thus it's time for part two.

"In a world of light and darkness, the shadows are rulers of all"

Small update !

Finally trying hard to get a musical project to life, also still very lost from times to times, I guess some smiles leave bigger holes than others.

The monetization of love

Love is now a coin, power
It is not a feeling anymore
It is a stock in the market of life
A buy and sell interaction at the frivolity  on to which  society has told us to act upon
It is to buy on the instance of pleasure and fast enrichment of the passion
And to sell on the first hardship it encounters though as little as it may be
Love is no longer something to build
It is now a product, pre-made, microwave ready
Consume and throw it away
The beauty of building is lost
Maybe that is why the value of things hand made is so low compared to that of  mass production
We have lost the ability to built things by ourselves
But love
Love is nature
And if nature can crack the cement poured on top of it
Then Love
Love can certainly tip this monopolized market of fast satisfaction
For the price to pay upon its failure would strip us of what makes us human
Our kindness

Words

"The worse words that exist are those untold, unspoken, they are ghosts that will haunt us forever"

—	The Demigod

Smiles

"I have died a thousand life's for your smile.
And you have lived forever with mine"

- The Demigod

Heartbbeats

Wouldn't it be great if loneliness left me alone, there is no heartbeat for it to silence anymore !

So this is life !

Some things just became so weird, here I am having such a nice day, and then pufff, down you go, happiness has become a frail thing. These last two years kind of destroyed me, “kind of” is an euphemism, they actually destroyed me. It has become increasingly hard to keep an upbeat conversation or make  that fake smile you put on so people wont ask  anything.

Depression knocks on my door again, and I am tired of being there to open the door.

Wolf King

There is someone inside the wolf, and it is me, as much as the wolf is inside of me as well.
Today as I took a bath, this familiar feeling came to me, it is him inside, watching my own body, asking how can this be, how can he be inside of this prison made of flesh.
It is hard to recognise this body as being mine, maybe it is time to set him free again, maybe it is time to free myself again.
I feel warmth again, inside, in the soul. I can see now how things move, I can feel it in the air.
I am inside the wolf

- The tale of Harald the wolf king