sábado, 9 de junho de 2018

Everything is great again, until it isn't.

Everything is great, you got your pc and gaming/streaming rig all set up, you play, you make music, you play your drums and your bass, you go out with friends and party, everything is great, but it isn't.

When everything stops you just feel empty, worthless, nothing done has had value, purpose or been of help, it feels like you are lost inside yourself, like there is a weight on you, in your core and for hours or days it just haunts you, nowadays to the point of thinking on some solutions to end it. And you dream, you dream of your death, of an empty planet with only you in it, of screaming and raging in to the empty.

And then everything is great again, until it isn't.

terça-feira, 3 de abril de 2018

quick blurp

Decided to do a quick update:

Trying to get better life quality, went from depressive to  mildly depressive but highly apathetic (with some exceptions towards some friends), I'm trying to keep my chin up, although everyday is yet a struggle of its own.

Hopefully Ill change work and that gets me on a better track, also, got invited to do some music for an upcoming videogame, I guess I'll take the challenge.

Hope everyone is ok, whoever you people are !

domingo, 21 de janeiro de 2018

FML

How weird is it that some days ago I was saying that not writing around here was a good sign, and yet here I am.

Probably what brings me here, is me trying to connect with people and not being able to or doing so and afterwards feeling like life has gone downhill.
Overthinking was in mind, but in a way that seems like rubbish, one cannot overthink on what he understands, but then if such is the case, what am I not understanding on the why of this feeling?!?

The more I am with people and have a laugh the bigger is the fall, if Im alone it seems like its the same, its like an emotional roller coaster , and I have never been too keen on them.

I wonder if this will ever stop !

segunda-feira, 11 de dezembro de 2017

Do it your way

Where to start...
For all of those following this blog, you know that it isn't a very happy one, it mainly represents depression, angst and an enormous sense of not belonging.

And today this is where we are going, not belonging, not wanting to be, or wanting to be on a different time/space,not having a sense of purpose.
Some os uf just have a hard time handling this, mostly because society muffles our mind quite early, they say do this, be that, but deep down there is this thing that quite never goes away, and, with time it will clash with what has been told and his around you, thus creating the lack of purpose, at least this is how I perceive it.

Its hard specially when you overthink on everything, you end up just looking at something for huge amounts of time and just wondering what the fuck are you doing here, everything you do seems meaningless, and I think the answer to this is to create things, whatever those things are.
There was this Portuguese philosopher that said that Man's purpose was to create, not to work, but to create, I would even go further on saying that it is when Man creates that he is himself, and not here, but in another plane, in its true space, with full purpose, making something with meaning, finding itself on a place society says its not him and is of little value.

I think I stopped writing here because in a way I started creating more, I found a sense of purpose helping my friends on anyway I can, there is still depression and angst but it gets less of me, I guess I also started accepting mankind for what it is, and that makes me want to be immortalized in my creations and in my friends, yes, the old Demigod notion of me is in fact my goal, I must assume it fully, the divine part of me is the fact of being more human than humans are nowadays. 

So if you are reading this (probably the most uplifting post on this blog ever), go make something that makes you feel you, and yes you still need to work, and work, don't kill yourself in it, use it to fuel your creativity, touch those that are around you, help them being more today than they were yesterday, make yourself the goal for which you aim.

Life may suck due to today's standards , but make it suck it your way.

terça-feira, 15 de agosto de 2017

fucking depressing mood.

Sometimes it just sneaks up on me, probably whenever I am at my best.

Maybe it just wants to drag me down, for the fun of it or because being down is where I should be, my natural state. There is a great weight on my shoulders, it makes me feel it, I have done nothing, I have nothing, no business in this world, it whispers in my ear.
I get lost on these thoughts, of being nothing, of no use, no purpose, and so I put on some music and I think on leaving, leaving to somewhere it doesn't exist, still I would like to leave.

You can stop whispering now, you are already in me, you are me and I can't escape you.

segunda-feira, 19 de junho de 2017

days and days

Days are at work, sometimes with friends, some old, but mainly some new, maybe in the midsts of all this overwhelming feeling of loneliness I might say I have been lucky to have met some nice, good people and showing them around, that does take my mind of myself  for a while.

Yet it seems that is has become exponentially harder to feel, I mean truly feel, mainly to feel appreciated, not by words but by deeds, actions.

I came to wonder on how have I left my mark in this world, is it enough, what more can I do, how will i be remembered?

People will have so much difficulty understanding this, the word and the deed, not thinking on the good, but living in the negative to create more, one might say happiness leaves a person dull, but it does give them so much more of a light hearted posture, but then again, we all have our purpose on this world and mine is set to be on the darker side I suppose.


The end will tell how I fared.

segunda-feira, 1 de maio de 2017

One good day, two bad days

Great day, meeting with my norwegian bro and friends, I must say I have great friends, still after a couple of drinks and giggles, I hit home.

There is this huge feeling when I lay down in top of the bed, as if my body got lighter , mainly because my soul got heavier and emptier , I feel very conflicted with my own existence every time I look inside myself after these brief moments.
The loneliness that I feel is overwhelming to say the least
Not sure of who I am in this world.