In 31 years of life, I have had a bullet almost killing me, got
stabbed twice, had a broken rib and teeth and almost died to high pitch
fevers and nothing, nothing compares to the pain you give me. Everyday
I do my best, I help others, I try to be friendly, I try to be a better
man despite all the pain, and yet you just keep remembering me of those
who died and left me with this longing feeling, and those who broke you
and left me empty .
1- why do people say that you need to know yourself ? If you don't know yourself at age 25 at least, I don't know what the hell you have been doing in life, you are born, you know what you do, your likes and dislikes, you can improve yourself knowing this, so...I think people know themselves, they are just afraid to act decently when they know others !
2- Putting people on the same basket as those that hurt you, thus creating the idea that one is equal to all the others, this is a load of crap, I mean really, if people hurt you, tell them to fuck off, but do not say that all men/women are the same, that shit is annoying, and if you keep surrounding yourself with shitty people don't expect improvement, open your eyes and change it !
3- Don´t hurt people that love/like you, go hurt people that don't like and hurt you they deserve it, not those who care !
Just turned 31, had a nice day with my friends and soon some more on my dinner party, I should be happier though.
But what costs the most is to be alone, not that I do not know how to be alone, I see this matter in a different perspective, my will to share myself is too big I guess, to share my knowledge, to share my thoughts, ideas, my love, to be surrounded by my equals, by my kin, and in this I see myself with lack of purpose. Why am I to have such a long life ahead, if I see this world so inhumane, so cold, people forgetting about others, so much hurt for all the wrong reasons.
People seem to not really want improvement, just the idea, the concept of it, they fear the past, they fear and they hurt, like a scared dog.
The weight of the word, its value, the actions that should follow, all of it seems to be so worthless nowadays, should it not be the opposite, should we not value this more?
31 years have past, I have lost family and friends, some I have seen die in front of me, others I did not had the chance to bid my farewell, yet they are the one's I'm more grateful to, they have taught me to be what I am today, maybe that is why lately people started saying that I am a good man, much like they were.
Unfortunately everything has a price, I guess mine is to feel alone, my hopes are that one day I also can teach and give all that I have to someone, so that I can leave this world and join my kin.
Some of you know me, most don't, barely no one knows my past, nevertheless I am tankful for you all that are friends, 31 more years will come, and one day I must repay your patience towards me, my angst, my everything, some more than others. To the lack of kin, you are the closest thing I have of it, and believe me when I say, that I would gladly give my life for you, for that is how things should be done, I cherish you all my friends, It is a pleasure to have your friendship.
Thank you !
Paulo Cardoso, aka Siivet, aka Harald Kveldulf Njordson, son of the northern sea, Demigod of shadows !
a great day, and I should be happy, but I’m not, even after I spent
time with friends, I look at them and I see them getting together with
someone, I’m happy for them, I really am, specially for a friend wich is
an ex of mine, she changed a lot, enough to be on a long distance
relationship and it’s working, and I’m happy as fuck for her and the
boy, which I know and is a pretty stand up guy, and I’m also happy for
some other friends that started dating and even tough had a rough start
they are A ok now, so I guess in a way I’m as much happy as I am sad.
Maybe it’s because I’m turning 31 soon and am pretty much alone, or
because I ended up heartbroken and wronged, ironically by the person I
consider to be the one, even tough if she haven’t found herself yet and
therefore has a tendency to hurt people, and even with me still in a way
upset with it, feeling love towards her, yes, I still feel it, call me a
fool, but it’s not a decision, its the human me talking, and the human
me follows the heart !
I’m pretty much ok with myself, I guess, not that I consider myself a
great catch, but, this loneliness is getting the best of me, loneliness
or the inability to share my life with someone, you know, going out,
showing things you like, doing crazy things just for a smile and a kiss
and happy eyes.
And yes I’m old school, Ill buy flowers and jewellery, and buy tickets for concerts and dance in the middle of the street.
And this all comes to mind when I least expect, memories and
feelings, and it pulls you down, with a smile because in a way there are
good things, but mainly with tears and a huge feeling of being
I guess that is all for now, writing eases this bad feeling, and if
you are reading this, please be happy even if I don’t know you, do your
best everyday to be happy, be more than you are now and smile !
nowadays want to be so free that they trample on other people freedom,
they want to have so much respect towards them that they lack respect
to others, they want to be something, and end up being nothing, humanity
is a rare thing these days !
How weird it is to love someone that hurt you and is not with you any
more, I never thought I would be in this "position" in life.
is a strange thing, most of the times unilateral, some people believe
it exists, I personally believe it is made between two people that are
willing to grow and make the other one grow as well, to support and
endure, even when it all goes in to the darkest hour.
guess this moment in life, this search for peace and understanding is
evolution for me, I raised myself to be prepared for conflict, to cut
things at the minimum problem, to hate , to make others suffer before
they made me any harm.
This new way of seeing things has not been
easy for me, it is never easy to connect to yourself and set aside all
the bad things that happened to me, the depressive moments, the crave
for alcohol, the suicidal daydreaming, all of this haunts me, some days
more than others !
It's hard work, but I am
trying, because I hope one day I'll become a great man and a better
person and maybe, just maybe other people may look at at me and see some
form of inspiration for their journey !
30 anos neste mundo, daqui a uns meses serão 31, e há coisas que nos metem a pensar no quanto evoluímos, nada melhor para isso que mágoa, muita dessa coisa em cima para se pensar bem.
Fui criado a ser um pacifista, aquela coisa toda de temos todos que nos dar bem e afins, mas a mais pura das verdades é esta, quem mais fala disso mais merda faz, se á coisa que aprendi é que quem mais diz que não magoa os outros , é quem mais falha, quem menos dá valor á palavra e subsequente acção pelo menos para com os outros, porque quando é para com eles é logo ai ui não sejas assim, isto é hipocrisia e é um hábito muito grande na nossa sociedade hoje em dia, é isso e a mania das pessoas terem que repetir os erros que vêm os outros a fazer para dizerem que aprenderam , acho que nunca vou perceber isso, até porque todos cometemos maioritariamente ( não na sua totalidade) os mesmos erros, mas epah, se eu pude aprender com o erro do outro não me vou meter na mesma merda para dizer que sim, é parvo no minimo !
Agora não digo que não o tenha feito, mas acho que é aqui neste ponto fulcral que as coisas começam a mudar, na capacidade das pessoas verem que estão a fazer merda, não só a eles mas como aos outros e pararem por 5 minutos e mudarem o que estão a fazerem e eu sei que isso demora ainda o ando a fazer hoje em dia, denota-se no facto de andar sóbrio faz uns meses, coisa que me mete orgulho na minha pessoa, coisa que nem sempre tive, por uma série de eventos que me levaram a viver numa cultura de ódio e de desprezo total , mas até isso eu vejo como positivo, o ódio é na sua essência um sentimento verdadeiro, quando uma pessoa odeia é o que é, não á falsidade nas palavras, é puro o sentimento, e acabo a perceber nestes 30 anos que só quem já odiou sabe o que é realmente amar, é estranho eu sei, mas pensem nisso, há que pegar no que essa fase deu e transformar, abrir as percepções das coisas e pura e simplesmente começar a reagir de maneira a dar um pouco mais a este mundo.
Sei que falo um pouco contra mim, sempre me assumi como uma força negativa, mas pura e simplesmente porque é com o negativo que se aprende, que se cria resistência e se ganha força para aproveitar o que de positivo nos apareça.
Certo dia um amigo com quem falava bastante, fez-me chegar a estas conclusões de maneira rápida " Gostas que te batam quando não mereces? Não? Então não o faças caralho, mas se o filho da puta merecer parte-lhe qualquer coisa ", essa pessoa hoje em dia já cá não anda, mas as palavras ficaram, aprendi, evolui, sou mais hoje, serei mais amanhã !
Se não somos capazes de mudar,de ver o que andamos a fazer aos outros, de meter o mundo melhor, que andamos cá a fazer ? A criar mágoa e mau estar a quem não merece que isso lhe seja feito e a dizer que não somos nada disso? Ultimamente parece que sim que é isso que muita gente cá anda a fazer, sem olhar para mais ninguém senão eles mesmos, tenho pena disso.
Tenho pena do que fazem aos outros, tenho pena do que fazem a si mesmos, mas acima de tudo tenho pena de se desperdiçarem e caírem num poço de estagnação do "sempre fui assim e serei" !
Se tenho ódio a estas pessoas? Acho que não, tenho ódio a algumas pessoas sim, bastante até , e tenho pena que nesses casos o homicídio não seja legal, pelo menos por agora. A verdade é que gostava imenso que as pessoas parassem com as merdas, mas pronto, tudo isto é apenas um pensamento e um desabafo da vida !
E de repente tudo desaba e não posso falar, não posso gritar, toma conta de mim esta enorme mágoa e apenas o silencio me ouve!
dou a toda a gente um falso sorriso, na verdade das coisas ninguem quer
saber, e quem sabe disto que me assola fecha olhos e deixa-me no
silencio, este eterno silencio que não é meu, este silencio que de mim
me faz ser sombra !
Tanta hipocrisia hoje em dia, fala-se em respeito e afins, e é o que
menos se faz, não querem ser magoados mas magoam, não querem que lhes
falhem mas falham eles, hoje em dia isto é ser pessoa, ser gente
"moderna" é ser hipócrita, é usar os outros por conveniência dando a
ideia que é por gosto, é não dar valor apesar de o verem.
um mundo desumano este em que se vive hoje em dia, é um mundo de medos
acima de tudo, mas não de medos que nos fazem seguir em frente, mas sim
de medos que nos metem presos há hipocrisia, ao medo que nos separa do
que dizemos para com o que fazemos, o medo que nos divide e nos impede
de sermos algo único, mas que diz a uns quantos que assim é que é, que
nos devemos dividir numa miríade de coisas para sermos diferentes e especiais.
nunca vi nada que se dividisse a ser mais forte, tenho é muita pena que
o medo, este medo que divide, seja hoje em dia visto como algo de bom,
prefiro o medo antigo, aquele que me fazia querer vence-lo,
ultrapassa-lo, querer mais, ser mais unido comigo mesmo, um ser uno e
dai ser mais do que fui antes desse antigo medo !
Negra é a tinta que escreve o meu destino tal como o é a sombra que sou !
me arrependo de gostar da luz, nem de a ter tentado tocar ou de o
continuar a tentar por muito que me desfaça, será talvez ironia do
destino que sejamos ambos cegos cada um á nossa maneira, um pouco
perdidos por tal também nesta nossa vida.
me arrepende eu do que não é mas que virá a ser um dia espero eu, mas até a sombra tem
um coração e a luz...a luz, essa coisa que me aquece, cega todos para
que ninguém veja o seu, mas nesta coisa que se chama de vida, nas
semelhanças e disparidades, vislumbrei tal coisa eu um dia, penso até
que o senti, não existe como fugir de tal coisa.
por muito que esteja desvanecida esta sombra, nunca será uma opção,
algo que se aprendeu cedo com sombras que já cá não estão, sombras que
fugiram da sua luz, e, no fim, aquando tudo se desmoronava, de nada mais
se arrependeram senão de fugirem, quem sabe até a sua luz tenha feito o
esta sombra não acabará assim, não o permitirei a mim mesmo, talvez me
despedace na luz, talvez não, talvez acabe os meus dias sem nada ou com
tudo, mas não os acabarei com arrependimentos destes.
sim, sou uma sombra estranha nestes dias que correm, sou uma sombra de
alma e coração, sou uma sombra que vive porque sei que morrerei e tudo é
vivido intensamente, que outro sentido teria esta vida se nada fosse
assim, se tudo fosse fugaz, sem sentido , sem sentimento? Que vida
vazia isso seria, tão oca, tão desumana, aqui não existe tristeza,
existe emoção, porque para sermos mais do que somos, temos que primeiro
ser humanos !
" I hate my heart almost as much as I love it, yet I still do love it
very much, and it makes me go on , broken, scarred and aching !
cannot help to think on running away sometimes, to pack up and leave,
but then again, what kind of person would I be if I did so ?
unable to leave, for as much it might hurt, I cannot run from my fears, I
cannot run from my love, I cannot run from myself or my shadow !
will stay and fight in hopes that when I die, people will remember me
for not giving up on what I believed " The Demigod Chronicles
" I guess my heart is still strong enough, and so is yours, I can still hear it while it beats so far away.
There is no death for us, we are eternal, we live in each other and cannot escape our fate " Letters of Shadows and Suns
saddens me to see people with such sad eyes and fake smiles to cover
them up, not because they are sad, but because they wage war on what
they are, covering that with lies, fake perceptions and ideas of what
others want to see , so many good people with rotten hearts tearing down
people that are searching themselves.
That being said, I’d prefer to be what I am, a bad person with a good
heart. words are followed by actions, hand are to be dirty in order to
make things happen, to make things right to at least try and make people
more than what they are at the present time, because no one is alone,
we are all together in this world and we are only as strong as our
So be strong, honour your word and your deeds, and if someone sees
past the sadness, if that someone as set themselves to make you a
stronger link, be it !” - The Shadow Chronicles, the inner war !
" Death comes to us all, one once said, unfortunately no one said how
long it would take, some man wished it was at sunrise, others at
sundown, as far as I go, I would like for it to be at the midnight sun "
- The Shadow's diary
I was going to write something about how much I want to vanish form this planet, might be the whiskey talking, but, I really fucking want my fight and be done with it, this feeling inside is killing me, reminds me that I prefer physical pain so much more, than a broken heart, constantly being stepped on by the person I still love !
you do not have a heart, here, take mine, it’s broken as hel , maybe
you can mend it, if you do , keep it, hearts give too much pain for
those who live by it !
I never knew it could be possible for someone to be like this, I never knew I could end up like this, why me?
Why did I risk and gave it all?
I should know better than to be vulnerable to the hexes of the heart,
blinded, hopeful, anxious for people to be as one, when they themselves
are split in two and lost in the void of life.
So to I have become lost but upon myself. a demigod, bound to his
word, to its deeds, in a world that as long forgotten what this is.
An I keep reminding myself of my brother, and all that he teached me,
he was the strong one, I still wished I was the one going, I so lost
around here, and there are no fights to have a decent death anymore !
"You shine so bright little sun, as bright as one can see blinded people are to what hides under the skin Blinded you too are upon yourself the abyss is great and fearless fear one should embrace to search one self inside it the abyss is great and fearless one goes in broken in pieces one comes out united to die and reborn until you reach your purpose " - Eyes cannot Lie to Shadows , Tales of Lost Souls
Bad feelings in the morning, waking up, shivering with cold sweats and
throwing up , feeling like someone is crushing your chest, and in your
mind you just want to listen to someone’s voice to feel better and no
one picking up. What a great way to start the day !
I want to write, since my mind is a mess, this will be a very weird post !
I have come to a point in life where I know what I want, and it is so hard to get it, things I thought could not be broken any-more, got broken, my heart is shattered to say the least and I fear that my soul is too.
Yet I sacrifice it all in the hopes things do turn out for the best, because I know there is feelings in the other side.
This being said, I have been probably drunk for the great part of days , its starting to not make that much of an effect any longer, my brain just keeps going, it is a problem of people that live with their hearts I suppose , my body tends to complain, seems like booze and toasts aren't much for lunch, but usually I'm not in the mood for much more than that.
Sleep has become an issue, I don't want to dream, I do, but I don't, for more than 10 years I had this dream where I couldn't see the persons face, until I did, and now it won't go away, life is a strange thing to be in. I have also started to have these things that haven't happened to me in years, I never knew what was it, I just froze up and my mind goes elsewhere, to where I do not know, I wished I could know, maybe it is a sign that all this fatigue I feel about life has come to its peak, that it is time to join my brother in the afterlife, I have a different life perspective I know, and most people do not agree, then again most people have lost value in word, and in actions to prove them.
I am not the man I was, I am more, yet I feel empty !
I have started to make drawings upon myself, I do not know why, but it reminds me of some death rituals, I have lost hand on myself I guess, do not know even why I am writing any more, words are words, but actions, they are all, and there is a growing feeling inside of me that I must search for the one action that will end it all, I need a fight to die in, a good death, one with meaning, one that will let me be remembered by , and of all that I am !
I am tired of being the strong person, yet I still try to be it !
It is a hard thing not to drink when you feel yourself stuck between hope and despair, the brain wont shut down, and you know drinking will make it stop, eventually.
The other option would be to call someone, but I said I wouldn't bother, and probably it is for the best not to do it, regardless of how shitty I feel !
Uncertainty takes over, and it is so weird to deal with it, so I write and I write, but words without actions are so empty, and maybe I should start taking some actions, but to which direction I do not know !
My mind is cloudy, my body starts to show signs of wear, I am slowly slipping away to an unknown place.
The waiting is a crossroad, hope on the right or doom on the left ? Ironically sometimes I feel like I am the one making this question more than other people should do to themselves.
I need a drink and your hand on my chest !
I hate myself for being like this why can't I be like those other guys that dont give a fuck for anything and just step on other peoples life?
This feeling of having no purpose, that my time has come increases rapidly from day to day, and I say Im OK to so many people and Im not, and I smile and make jokes, and in my head I tell my heart to keep quiet, no one must know, even if they do know , what could they do?
I feel so tired.
I need to feel the ocean in my body, I need it to take me away from my heart and my mind, to leave my soul to those who might want it !
I seriously hate being down when I should be happy, I have no idea on what is wrong with me most of the times, and then I ultimately tend to annoy the person I love, and that makes me even sadder. I wished I had an off switch and I would just shut-down, permanently, for it is a hard thing to live, and I'm getting tired of it !
I've lost myself and I do not know who I am any-more.
In the mood to write, mainly because I'm feeling weird, somewhat left aside, abandoned, old, meaningless !
The list goes on and on, and all I want are some words, but from a certain person, I know I'm kind of crazy, but, sometimes its all I need, and lately I am missing them, as so I miss myself for I usually find myself on those same words.
It's kind of funny, I spent so much time in my life dehumanizing myself, not caring, suppressing this inner me, and now that I have found warmth in the middle of all this cold, it seems that I cannot live without it.
Thus this leads me to the question , what am I doing here ? It is as if there is no purpose, except for those small amounts of time where I feel that warmth , I am afraid I am losing all that I am as a human being, and no one will ever see it if they are not to read this.
All I want now, all this tired body wants is this warmth I have felt, the rest is just so cold, that if I am to slip and lose myself upon it, nothing will be the same !
O amor é um mar revolto, cheio de loucura e perdição, onde nada sabe melhor que naufragar e estar á beira do afundar da alma para num esforço final nadar para a superfície como se não houvesse amanhã e respirar o tão desejado sentimento renovado.
Penso que só se vence a tempestade se a tivermos dentro de nós, e ela pede mais e mais, não nos deixando nunca sair da mesma, não sei que seria de mim sem a mesma no fim de tudo.
Cada vez mais me perco nela é certo e cada vez mais me quero perder, na tempestade e na pessoa que a cria dentro de mim. Talvez um dia ponha aqui foto do sorriso que ela me dá e um gráfico com o batimento cardíaco depois de a ver no meio de uma multidão a aproximar-se de mim e a abraçar-me !
Can´t sleep, so I decided to stand in front of the pc and stare at a somewhat special photo and a bottle of whisky, and no, I don't get drunk to forget, I actually get drunk to remember, and yes it is a weird thing, but sometimes you just have to feel like crap !
But the truth is that I don't want to feel like crap, I just wanted to be happy, and I want to be happy with the person in the photo, and that won't be happening any time soon, It is a karmic issue I guess, I have no idea, but the thing that bother me the most is her inability to see herself , and all the good in her.
This actually makes me feel like I failed somewhere, even though I probably didn't, then again what do I know of life, I guess nothing at all !
Shit, I'm not making any fucking sense, I'm just sad as fuck, my mind cannot comprehend such decisions, and the lack of vision of oneself, but I most respect them, some might say that is the ultimate form of love, when you let go , I might say that I agree, but its fucked up, and that's that.
What is there worthy enough to fight for in this world these days?
Quoting some lyrics from Queens of The Stone Age " I want something good to die for
To make it beautiful to live." And I believe I found it, but she haven't found herself !
Thus my life gets torn apart, and I should have gotten used to it !