words are words !

I want to write, since my mind is a mess, this will be a very weird post !

I have come to a point in life where I know what I want, and it is so hard to get it, things I thought could not be broken any-more, got broken, my heart is shattered to say the least and I fear that my soul is too.

Yet I sacrifice it  all in the hopes things do turn out for the best, because I know there is feelings in the other side.

This being said, I have been probably drunk for the great part of days ,  its starting to not make that much of an effect any longer, my brain just keeps going, it is a problem of people that live with their hearts I suppose , my body tends to complain, seems like booze and toasts aren't much for lunch, but usually I'm not in the mood for much more than that.

Sleep has become an issue, I don't want to dream, I do, but I don't, for more than 10 years I had this dream where I couldn't see the persons face, until I did, and now it won't go away, life is a strange thing to be in. I have also started to have these things that haven't happened to me in years, I never knew what was it, I just froze up and my mind goes elsewhere, to where I do not know, I wished I could know, maybe it is a sign that all this fatigue I feel about life has come to its peak, that it is time to join my brother in the afterlife, I have a different life perspective I know, and most people do not agree, then again most people have lost value in word, and in actions to prove them.

I am not the man I was, I am more, yet I feel empty !

I have started to make drawings upon myself, I do not know why, but it reminds me of some death rituals, I have lost hand on myself I guess, do not know even why I am writing any more, words are words, but actions, they are all, and there is a growing feeling inside of me that I must search for the one action that will end it all, I need a fight to die in, a good death, one with meaning, one that will let me be remembered by , and of all that I am !

I am tired of being the strong person, yet I still try to be it !