words are words !

I want to write, since my mind is a mess, this will be a very weird post !

I have come to a point in life where I know what I want, and it is so hard to get it, things I thought could not be broken any-more, got broken, my heart is shattered to say the least and I fear that my soul is too.

Yet I sacrifice it  all in the hopes things do turn out for the best, because I know there is feelings in the other side.

This being said, I have been probably drunk for the great part of days ,  its starting to not make that much of an effect any longer, my brain just keeps going, it is a problem of people that live with their hearts I suppose , my body tends to complain, seems like booze and toasts aren't much for lunch, but usually I'm not in the mood for much more than that.

Sleep has become an issue, I don't want to dream, I do, but I don't, for more than 10 years I had this dream where I couldn't see the persons face, until I did, and now it won't go away, life is a strange thing to be in. I have also started to have these things that haven't happened to me in years, I never knew what was it, I just froze up and my mind goes elsewhere, to where I do not know, I wished I could know, maybe it is a sign that all this fatigue I feel about life has come to its peak, that it is time to join my brother in the afterlife, I have a different life perspective I know, and most people do not agree, then again most people have lost value in word, and in actions to prove them.

I am not the man I was, I am more, yet I feel empty !

I have started to make drawings upon myself, I do not know why, but it reminds me of some death rituals, I have lost hand on myself I guess, do not know even why I am writing any more, words are words, but actions, they are all, and there is a growing feeling inside of me that I must search for the one action that will end it all, I need a fight to die in, a good death, one with meaning, one that will let me be remembered by , and of all that I am !

I am tired of being the strong person, yet I still try to be it !

Lost in a world of Light !

It is a hard thing not to drink when you feel yourself stuck between hope and despair, the brain wont shut down, and you know drinking will make it stop, eventually.

The other option would be to call someone, but I said I wouldn't bother, and probably it is for the best not to do it, regardless of how shitty I feel !

Uncertainty takes over, and it is so weird to deal with it, so I write and I write, but words without actions are so empty, and maybe I should start taking some actions, but to which direction I do not know !

My mind is cloudy, my body starts to show signs of wear, I am slowly slipping away to an unknown place.

The waiting is a crossroad, hope on the right or doom on the left ? Ironically sometimes I feel like I am the one making this question more than other people should do to themselves.

I need a drink and your hand on my chest !

I hate myself for being like this why can't I be like those other guys that dont give a fuck for anything and just step on other peoples life?

This feeling of having no purpose, that my time has come increases rapidly from day to day, and I say Im OK to so many people and Im not, and I smile and make jokes, and in my head I tell my heart to keep quiet, no one must know, even if they do know , what could they do?

I feel so tired.
I need to feel the ocean in my body, I need it to take me away from my heart and my mind, to leave my soul to those who might want it !

I became a Shadow !

Remains !

I need to write on paper, mainly because I can feel it !

Old Habits !

Old habits tend to die, so let there be whisky for me, because I need to write and I can't do it without it nowadays !

Please check my tumblr http://siivetdemigod.tumblr.com/ , I'll start posting things there, still don't know what will I do with this blog !

Fading !

Ups and downs, I really hate it, seriously !

I seriously hate being down when I should be happy, I have no idea on what is wrong with me most of the times, and then I ultimately tend to annoy the person I love, and that makes me even sadder.
I wished I had  an off switch and I would just shut-down, permanently, for it is a hard thing to live, and I'm getting tired of it  !

I've lost myself and I do not know who I am any-more.

Cold is the Past, and sometimes the present !

In the mood to write, mainly because I'm feeling weird, somewhat left aside, abandoned, old, meaningless !

The list goes on and on, and all I want are some words, but from a certain person, I know I'm kind of crazy, but, sometimes its all I need, and lately I am missing them, as so I miss myself for I usually find myself on those same words.

It's kind of funny, I spent so much time in my life dehumanizing myself, not caring, suppressing this inner me, and now that I have found warmth in the middle of all this cold, it seems that I cannot live without it.

Thus this leads me to the question , what am I doing here ?  It is as if there is no purpose, except for those small amounts of time where I feel that warmth , I am afraid I am losing all that I am as a human being, and no one will ever see it if they are not to read this.

All I want now, all this tired body wants is this warmth I have felt, the rest is just so cold, that if I am to slip and lose myself upon it, nothing will be the same !

no, yes, maybe !

Feeling depressed as fuck, I guess sometimes things catch up to you !