Crappy mood

I was going to write something about how much I want to vanish form this planet, might be the whiskey talking, but, I really fucking want my fight and be done with it, this feeling inside is killing me, reminds me that I prefer physical pain so much more, than a broken heart, constantly being stepped on by the person I still love !

Lost !

If you do not have a heart, here, take mine, it’s broken as hel , maybe you can mend it, if you do , keep it, hearts give too much pain for those who live by it !
I never knew it could be possible for someone to be like this, I never knew I could end up like this, why me?
Why did I risk and gave it all?
I should know better than to be vulnerable to the hexes of the heart, blinded, hopeful, anxious for people to be as one, when they themselves are split in two and lost in the void of life.
So to I have become lost but upon myself. a demigod, bound to his word, to its deeds, in a world that as long forgotten what this is.
An I keep reminding myself of my brother, and all that he teached me, he was the strong one, I still wished I was the one going, I so lost around here, and there are no fights to have a decent death anymore !

Tales of lost souls

"You shine so bright little sun, as bright as one can see
 blinded people are to what hides under the skin
Blinded you too are upon yourself
the abyss is great and fearless
fear one should embrace to search one self inside it
the abyss is great and fearless
one goes in broken in pieces
one comes out united
to die and reborn
until you reach your purpose "  - Eyes cannot Lie to Shadows , Tales of Lost Souls

Days

Bad feelings in the morning, waking up, shivering with cold sweats and throwing up , feeling like someone is crushing your chest, and in your mind you just want to listen to someone’s voice to feel better and no one picking up. What a great way to start the day !

words are words !

I want to write, since my mind is a mess, this will be a very weird post !

I have come to a point in life where I know what I want, and it is so hard to get it, things I thought could not be broken any-more, got broken, my heart is shattered to say the least and I fear that my soul is too.

Yet I sacrifice it  all in the hopes things do turn out for the best, because I know there is feelings in the other side.

This being said, I have been probably drunk for the great part of days ,  its starting to not make that much of an effect any longer, my brain just keeps going, it is a problem of people that live with their hearts I suppose , my body tends to complain, seems like booze and toasts aren't much for lunch, but usually I'm not in the mood for much more than that.

Sleep has become an issue, I don't want to dream, I do, but I don't, for more than 10 years I had this dream where I couldn't see the persons face, until I did, and now it won't go away, life is a strange thing to be in. I have also started to have these things that haven't happened to me in years, I never knew what was it, I just froze up and my mind goes elsewhere, to where I do not know, I wished I could know, maybe it is a sign that all this fatigue I feel about life has come to its peak, that it is time to join my brother in the afterlife, I have a different life perspective I know, and most people do not agree, then again most people have lost value in word, and in actions to prove them.

I am not the man I was, I am more, yet I feel empty !

I have started to make drawings upon myself, I do not know why, but it reminds me of some death rituals, I have lost hand on myself I guess, do not know even why I am writing any more, words are words, but actions, they are all, and there is a growing feeling inside of me that I must search for the one action that will end it all, I need a fight to die in, a good death, one with meaning, one that will let me be remembered by , and of all that I am !

I am tired of being the strong person, yet I still try to be it !

Lost in a world of Light !

It is a hard thing not to drink when you feel yourself stuck between hope and despair, the brain wont shut down, and you know drinking will make it stop, eventually.

The other option would be to call someone, but I said I wouldn't bother, and probably it is for the best not to do it, regardless of how shitty I feel !

Uncertainty takes over, and it is so weird to deal with it, so I write and I write, but words without actions are so empty, and maybe I should start taking some actions, but to which direction I do not know !

My mind is cloudy, my body starts to show signs of wear, I am slowly slipping away to an unknown place.

The waiting is a crossroad, hope on the right or doom on the left ? Ironically sometimes I feel like I am the one making this question more than other people should do to themselves.

I need a drink and your hand on my chest !

I hate myself for being like this why can't I be like those other guys that dont give a fuck for anything and just step on other peoples life?

This feeling of having no purpose, that my time has come increases rapidly from day to day, and I say Im OK to so many people and Im not, and I smile and make jokes, and in my head I tell my heart to keep quiet, no one must know, even if they do know , what could they do?

I feel so tired.
I need to feel the ocean in my body, I need it to take me away from my heart and my mind, to leave my soul to those who might want it !

I became a Shadow !

Remains !

I need to write on paper, mainly because I can feel it !