Fate and Paths !

Alcohol or cancer, one of these two will kill me one day !

Cancer has been in the family for generations, and is the major death cause for us, the probability of me having it is high, even so if I am to have it, I think I would not want treatment, a man's time is over when it is over.
And to be true, there is almost no purpose for me to exist, I am not saying this because of recent events, ok, maybe I am a little on the half drunk side, still I feel as if there is no purpose to me or my kind of person nowadays, there is a growing feeling inside me of being outdated and not being able to keep pace with something 's and some people.

Now, for the concerned reader, I am not thinking on the terminus of my life, I made a promise on that !

As for the alcohol, old habits are hard to die, mostly due to the way I see life or certain aspects of it, and because for me, it triggers some parts of my person that allow me to remember somethings and forget others, specially whisky.
Yes, whisky takes me places, not the best ones for most people, but even so not being the best of places, they in a strange way feel like home, a feeling that might in the long run be my end, although it would be a good thing in my perception to end this journey feeling at home.

This is not a sad entry on this blog, I see it more as a realistic one, probably more will come as things inside me change to whatever path they must change !


" War and love are never over my friend, both will torment us and leave scars that will last until the end of our days, the only thing one can do is to repair their armour after each battle, and enter the next one more relentless then before " - King Olaf on The Path of Souls

Why ?

Why?
Why not?
 Old dreams, old thoughts , new mazes, action, reaction, all seems so nonsense , such a big lack of focus on my mind right now !

The only certain thing is that the bottle still has scotch in it and the music keeps on playing, and this one thought keeps haunting my mind, the why, why wasn't I the one dying years ago, why did it had to be you ?
You were stronger, had more knowledge you were so much more of what I will never be.

Why me brother ? I would give my soul to trade with you right now.

I know you always liked to test me, and deep down I know that this is that ultimate test, to live, but you know me, I never liked to fight what I could not see, I feel out of purpose, with no objective, this is very frustrating and I feel that I am reaching my limit .

You once said to me that a man that fights for nothing is as good as dead, so you tell me, what is it worth fighting for nowadays? Because I see no more reason to fight for nothing !

I wished time could go back and you could be here to answer me !

The long way home !

And when everything else fails, and people lose the ability to see themselves, others and the effects of their actions, the only path to follow then is the one that leads to your roots, for they will always be there, binding you to who you are, who you were and who you will become !

It is a long way home, specially when that home is in our heart and our blood !

Changing Natures !

Some things just hurt, I mean it, specially when they break a part of you, and you just can't understand why !

It is as if the one that broke that part of you actually never felt nothing, mainly because you are mourning for it and they are not, and it is in these moments that I would give my soul to be as I was years ago and I wouldn't be feeling shit either.

There is a huge mix of liking my most recent me, and wanting to rescue the old one, that same old me that hold on to the concept that we only learn by suffering, and he was right we do, but it would be much less harder to learn with my options than from other people's options.


My most recent me though, seems to be more forgiving, I would even risk saying more compassionate, which in turn ends up just making me feel worse I suppose, because it is a change on my nature !

Strangely I can't stop admiring  how such options can demoralize a person, words that can make your body hurt and your mind to revolve on a never ending spiral of doubt and woe.


Even on their words humans are true to their nature, I wonder when will they ever change it !?

Sós !

A vida é estranha, mas acabamos sempre a deitar na cama que fazemos, é um facto comprovado .

E aparentemente tal facto comprovou-se comigo também, não que não o mereça, porque mereço e tenho total noção disso apenas acho que não o merecia depois de ir contra princípios meus para ser um pouco mais feliz. Mas e dai talvez não me esteja no destino ser feliz, talvez, e apenas só me esteja destinado a sensação de o ser .

Pior ainda que a sensação de ser feliz, seja a sensação de se amar ou de se ser amado, acima de tudo porque baixamos as nossas defesas, e, que somos nós sem elas ? Que somos nós senão seres sofredores, carentes, insaciáveis crentes a procurar adoração de outro igual a nós, a verdadeira pergunta nisto tudo será onde anda esse igual ?

Esse que vai contra as suas regras, que queira mais que uma sensação de ser feliz, que baixe as suas defesas , que sofra, peça por algo e seja tão crente em nós quanto nós neles !

Talvez não ande, talvez já tenha andado, talvez nunca venha a andar por onde nos andamos, e nada mais podemos nós fazer senão seguir o nosso caminho tal como viemos ao mundo e como dele sairemos, sós !

Death, greatness and immortality !

Some people may argue that the stars and the heavens above are the ultimate quest for mankind, I couldn't disagree more !
Nothing haunts the soul of a man greater than its own life, or the end of it, what lays there, after that last breath, after the spark in your eyes ceases to exist.
I have dedicated some time pondering such question, mainly due to have been so close to death so many times, and, like any other man, I to this day have reached no conclusion, it is a one way trip and it is not yet my time to take it. Thus I can only think on how shall I go on this last journey, most people want it to be in their sleep, but I think that such departure is very much unworthy of a person, no great man has ever died silently, so why should I ?

But you may be asking yourselves, what makes a man great ?
That, my dear readers, is in my opinion the easiest task ever, look around you it is as simple as that !

The one single man that in my life has proven that someone is great just by looking around himself was my grandfather, he had that kind of aura that only some people have, he was a fire-fighter all is life since he was 11 until is death, got to be chief, lead men and women to fight fires, risked his own life several times, and was distinguished for it, got  streets named after him, and while doing this he was also a welder and a nurse, and refused to be the goalkeeper of a major football club when he was younger so he could dedicate himself to save other peoples life's , and this is what makes a man great, not the medals, or the streets with your name, its the admiration of others and the memories that will always be on the people that where touched by such persons, this my friends is immortality itself !

And this is what I want the most, a glorious death and immortality , what comes after is meaningless compared to how you obtain such things !